So I'm starting to feel a little better about everything. I'm not trying to jinx myself or anything. Heaven only knows whenever I start getting comfortable again, something awful happens. But my mood has improved. I'm praying that it stays that way for a while. Life isn't fair, and I've always known that, but it just feels horrible when you feel like the whole world is against you and nothing goes in your favor. I'm still sad of course, but I'm in the process of moving on with my life. Next Saturday is my grandpa's memorial service. We got it so that my sister will be home in time to go. My sister was really close to him. The news hit her harder than it hit me.

Today was a really weird day. I was scheduled to have 2 critiques at school today. I was sort of nervous about them, my watercolor critique in particular because 1) it was our first actual critique in the class, and 2) my piece kind of sucks and the instructor is a real stickler. He actually PAINTED on my piece yesterday! If there's one thing I can't stand about certain art instructors, it's when they paint or draw on your piece. It sort of makes it feel like it's not completely my work anymore. I know it's kind of silly and stupid to think like that because it's not like this was going to hang in a gallery. It's a still life of cow skull and a creepy stuffed monkey (set up by the instructor, NOT ME!) and it isn't and never was meant to be my best piece....but anyway, WOW I just noticed I'm going off on a tangent....

anyway, getting to the main point. Today, I was in my Life Drawing for Illustrators class (first class of the day) and we were having our critiques on our self-portrait projects (we had to draw ourselves as some recognizable character--I did me as the queen of hearts). It wasn't even 9:30 AM and we hadn't even finished talking about the third piece when Duncan (who is either an advisor or the dean, I can't remember his title) comes into the classroom and tells us that the school has no running water due to some electrical (or something) problem and that the school has to shut down for the rest of the day. WHAT? So everyone had to leave. It was so weird. If I had been at school near my house, I probably would have been happier, but considering I have a long commute, it was more of a pain in the neck. But on the bright side, I postponed both critiques for Monday. So I had to make numerous phonecalls to both parents telling them what happened and I was on the 10:30 AM train back to Crystal Lake. Supposedly school will be open on Monday, I'll make sure I check my email before that just in case.

My sister is moving into her dorm today at U of I. They had to leave before 5 this morning because my sister wanted to be there around 9 when move-in begins.

I know that I seem like I complain about my sister a lot on here, and I do. I also complain a lot about my job. But that doesn't mean I don't love it. I love my sister as well. I was there the day she was born, in fact, that is my earliest memory--not just of my sis, but of my entire life. We've always had our differences, but there have been things that we've agreed on as well.

Of course, there are a few things I'm glad I won't have to deal with now that she's away at school, like having to tell her to be nice to my friends whom she doesn't like for some reason (it's probably because my friends take my attention away from her and she likes attention), having to deal with her "Kaiser Chiefs" turrets (don't ask), having to sacrifice almost every weekend because she gets mad and doesn't want to do anything...the list goes on of her annoying, little-sisterly habits.

But there are also reasons why we need her: she always can fix the computer, unless the hard drive crashes or something, she can fix it. She takes care of the dog (like letting her out at 12 am, cleaning up all of her indoor messes, walking her, etc.). Without her, all of those jobs are our problems. She's usually the comic relief we all need. I can see us now as just a bunch of dead heads. Me having to go back to school with my ho-hum kind of attitude, mom with the same ho-hum attitude towards work but with added anger, dad in his retirement boredom with his added depression. Yeah, it'll suck.

Luckily now we have skype and a webcam so we'll be able to chat with her.

It just sucks, though. I mean this isn't just about my sister. I'm going to have to say goodbye to a lot of people in the next couple of weeks. Goodbyes have always been tough for me since I'm so emotional about everything. 

It's clear that summer is coming to an end...soon. I'm upset, because despite some of the horrible times I had, I'd have to say that this summer turned out pretty great despite the fact. I've been planning on having a 10 Favorite Memories from summer post, but I think I'll save that for one of the last couple of days of my summer break (it ends for me on September 2nd). So stay tuned, those of you out there who read this.

But yeah, summer is obviously ending, I can feel it. I can feel the physical pain of the sunburn on my shoulder from being out in the August sun at Lollapalooza. I can feel the emotional pain that comes with ending summer too. I already miss my friends, my co-workers, I even miss my sister because she will be leaving to go move into her dorm at U of I on Tuesday. I've noticed this extreme sadness towards losing everything that has made summer great the past 4 months. I'll be losing the warm weather and trading it for ice and snow. I'll be losing chatting face to face with my sister about my day at work and trading that with talking to a webcam. I'll be losing my 8 am, 15-minute away job and trading it for a 5 am wake-up, 50 mile away train ride to school. I may sound stupid or crazy, butit all makes sense in my head. The scariest part of this whole thing is, it probably won't be back next year. Who knows if I'll be working at the bookstore again? Who knows if I'll be taking summer classes or getting an internship (which don't usually pay)? Maybe my friends won't be around. Maybe they don't even like me anymore. It's just horrifying to think.

Lately I've noticed that I've been getting all worked up, sometimes even to the point of tears, over things that haven't even happened yet. I've been so focused on the future, I guess, that I haven't even sat and enjoyed this time that I have with friends and people who I may not see again, or at least for a really long time. It's like that old saying goes "Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened." I think I need to write that really big and put it where I'll always see it. I think back to watching the fireworks on my aunt's pier on the 4th of July, recieving a postcard in the mail from my friend Eric from work when he went on vacation, just sitting out in the front yard and watching the clouds float by and taking various pictures with my camera. I see all those things as fleeting. I try to enjoy them, but there's just all those lingering thoughts about how one day soon, everything will be different.

I've said this many times, but I HATE change! I just wish things could stay the same, but I know they won't. 

I just wish I didn't have to go back to school. I already heard that one of my 3 friends from school is transfering to NIU. Great...now what. She was like, my best friend at that school too. It's not like I could just transfer to another school. My parents would kill me. After all that they're paying for AAART and how much I wanted to go there. But I'm not as happy there as I have been in other places. I just miss my old life so much, I can't adjust.

this is just me thinking out loud.

I know that they do.

After Izzie bites me, she immediately goes and hides under a chair, then licks my finger where she bit it, as a kind of appology. Obviously regretting what she did to make me feel bad.

As for long term regret, I'm pretty sure they don't feel that, at least dogs don't.