As I walked into school this morning, I thought, wow, it'd be really awesome if I got to go home early today... Little did I know that my wish would come true...it so rarely does.

I went to my first class--Life Drawing for Illustrators. I worked on my project the whole time.

During lunch, my friend told me that our watercolor teacher wasn't there today. You see, last night was the faculty Christmas party (I believe I mentioned that earlier) and stories were going around that a lot of the teachers got completely wasted last at said party. So yeah, guess where my teacher probably was. Haha so there was no class.

I was doubly happy because 1) It's FRIDAY! I mean, HELLOOO! and 2) it gave me the time and the reason to go to the new Metra French Market at the train station!!

They opened this new indoor French market at the train station about a week ago and I have been dying to go there ever since. After watching the film Marie Antoinette, I became slightly obsessed with French pastries and fancy French things. In the movie, she's always eating those colorful little cookies called Macarons or, is it Macaroons? I've always considered macaroons to be a coconut cookie. But anyway, French macaro(o)ns are these cute little sandwich type cookies that are almost like a soft meringue. They have some sort of filling in between the two cookies and are usually brightly colored to coordinate with the flavor. They are also in my icon :) So I've been wanting to find some of these cookies, anywhere. Enter Vanille Patisserie at Chicago French Market!

I went there this afternoon and bought the last box of 12 with some of the birthday money that I recieved. They were not cheap, but they were worth it. I got only two flavors (the only they had left): Lychee and I think either Hazelnut or Coffee. Both are pretty delicious, but I prefered the Lychee. I haven't eaten many. I'm trying to save them like a box of fancy chocolates and only eat one at a time. Hopefully, someday I can find these elsewhere.

I'd have to say that right now, I'm really obsessed with Lady Gaga's Bad Romance . It's a guilty pleasure...a guilty pleasure that already has over 100 plays on my iPod in less than 2 weeks.

I also am in love with anything by Owl City. Vanilla Twilight, Tip of the Iceberg, If My Heart Was a House, and Hot Air Balloon would also make my Top 10 list.

So that's 5 so far...5 more I like: Sweetest Thing by U2, Arrow by Tegan and Sara, White Demon Love Song by the Killers (off the New Moon soundtrack), Dear Prudence by the Beatles (I bought the remastered version of The White Album) , and Yellow by Coldplay (it's a forever favorite).

but honestly, I wish I could have said top 50 because there are soooooooooo many songs that I am in love with right now and have loved for a while.

When I was little, that top 10 would have probably all been off of the Spice World album by The Spice Girls.

It seems like as soon as December started, it started snowing. Today, has to be the most snow we've seen since March. We have maybe 3 or 4 inches out there, and it's still snowing.

Tomorrow is supposed to be bad. According to the weather channel it's supposed to be snowy AND windy around Chicago and northern Illinois. A lethal combination because that means snow drifts. UGH!! I almost wish it was going to be like that today and not tomorrow because today I have no classes but tomorrow I HAVE to go downtown. I have a math test (the final test basically) and I have to continue work on both my illustration final and watercolor project. And no, my school would NEVER give us a snowday. I think I have mentioned before that we would remain open during the Apocalypse and that statement is still true! I'm doomed basically.

On a happier note, I don't have school on Thursday. The faculty Christmas party is that day and all classes after 11 am have been cancelled. Normally, that would mean that I still have Life Drawing for Illustrators, but my instructor was nice enough to give us the day off. He wants us to just work on our final projects. I was planning on bringing mine home (I decided to do this last project in watercolor, which means it's attached to my drawing board which is large and clunky), but if it's going to be snowing and have whiteout conditions, the last thing I want to be carrying around with me is my humongous portfolio (the only thing my drawing board fits in). Not to mention that it's made of fabric and water can seep into it and ruin my painting.

I guess if I can get a lot of painting done at school and possibly bring home the piece over the weekend (when it will be nicer), I will be golden. I just have to get through this one piece and this week (and next week) and it will finally be Christmas break. I can't wait!

And on a side note. Elf!Dwight is here to make the holiday season brighter. Say hello, shiny new default icon :)

No, of course I don't feel any older. It'll hit me that I am suddenly older months from now when I'm about to do something really immature, and then abbruptly change my mind. lol

But yeah, it was a nice birthday. Birthdays not spent at school and/or work are usually nice. My parents got me the Office Season 2 on DVD and some nail polish. I also got a birthday card with Michael Scott on it explaining how they shouldn't call it "Birthday" but rather "BirthWHOLEday" since most people forget that the late night and early morning hours are still part of the day...technically. lol I loved it.

We had Chicken Parmasan for dinner and cheesecake for dessert. It was nice. Thank you for all the birthday wishes. :)

because I'm bored...

1. What song do you play the most?
"Vanillla Twilight" by Owl City (220 plays)

2. What song do you play the least?
"But it's Better If You Do" by Panic at the Disco (0 plays) it's because I lost all my songs once and had to manually load them back on. Haven't listened to that one since...apparently

3. What's the last song you added?
"Red Rabbits" by The Shins

4. What's your favorite playlist?
I enjoy all my playlists. But I have a specific one called "My Favorites" for obvious reasons. I also love my all British playlist titled "Afternoon Tea"

5. What kind of iPod (or MP3 player) do you have?
8GB iPod Nano (Green)

It's December now and despite there not being snow (*knock on wood*), it's beginning to look a lot like Christmas.

Today we all went out (my sister is back at college now, I've put that all behind me, for now) since I had the day off. We had to get a cd for my sister that came out today. It was on her Christmas list. Then I went to Borders and got my mom a book that she wanted. Still haven't bought anything for my dad. He's the hardest one to shop for because he never wants anything.

We also went around looking for decorations and ornaments. For some reason, my mom goes all out on holiday decorations. We don't usually put many lights up outside, but we have 3 Christmas trees, numerous wreaths, and other Christmas knick-knacks all over the inside of the house. I recently bought a bigger (only 2 ft tall) tree for my room from Borders. It's shiny and purple, therefore I love it.

When we came home, mom told me to hang the new ornaments on the tree. She kept saying to hang it on a certain branch and I couldn't tell where she was talking about. Then she started laughing at me and I couldn't figure out what was so funny. Then I saw another new ornament that was hanging nearby. One I hadn't seen before:



and I just burst out laughing!! Apparently my parents were at Hallmark yesterday and my dad saw it and just had to buy it for me. I have to admit that I am so obsessed with the Office right now. Hence my iconage. I wish I could find a good Elf-Dwight icon for the holidays. I hope I never stop loving this show because it is amazing! By the way, the ornament talks too. It has 4 different Michael Scott quotes on it. I LOVE IT!

And I finished my illustration project. We had to draw a celebrity dressed in a historical costume. I did Lady Gaga dressed as Marie Antoinette. I was going to do a drawing of Marie Antoinette anyway, but when my instructor mentioned it had to be a celebrity, Lady Gaga was just the natural decision. Have any of you seen her "Bad Romance" video? It's insane!!

My birthday is only 5 days away, which I have a hard time believing. It's hard to believe pretty much every year. It always seems like the years get shorter and shorter. It's freaking ridiculous (and slightly terrifying) that I will be 22.

Today is Thanksgiving, and I feel horrible. Not sick, but just bad. But before I get to that, I should mention some things that have happened lately, because they are sort of important.

- my sister is home from college for thanksgiving break. She actually got back last Friday, but since I haven't posted, I guess you all wouldn't have known that. But yeah, it was nice having her home for a few days.

- my sister now has a boyfriend! The minute I found out (via Facebook, at school--on my lunch break) I was immediately jealous of her. I may complain about my sister like she is a total jerk (which she is, most of the time) but she truthfully is living a better life than I am. She is 3 1/2 years younger than I am and she is more independent and more sure of who she is than I am. I am 10 days away from being 22 years old. I have never had a boyfriend. I constantly put myself down. I have little to no faith in myself and I still don't even know what I will be doing with my life in the next 5 years. I am lost, in other words. I don't get to hang out with my friends often because of school and even when I REALLY REALLY want something, I don't just go for it. I make up excuses. I am the definition of safe (as in the bad kind of safe). I am a backseat driver, yet I don't drive a car (because I'm too scared). I might as well get the letter "L" for Loser tattooed right on my forehead.

I AM beyond jealous of my sister and her boyfriend, whoever he is. She will not let us meet him. She describes him as someone who never talks and doesn't really do much. I know for a fact that she is lying. My sister is the queen of lies. I can't belive half the shit that comes out of her mouth. She's even said that she hardly ever tells the truth....how the hell are we supposed to trust her?!

-last night my sister went "out to dinner" with this kid. I was still coming home at the time, but he picked her up at 6PM. At 12 Midnight she still was not home. The girl is 18, so she technically has no curfew, but come on! I texted her once (I didn't really want to disturb her, as jealous as I was) but when she didn't respond, I got worried and called her. No response. I was really starting to worry. She had been out for 6 hours--supposedly eating dinner!!! I was in tears and yelling by the time mom called her and finally got a hold of her. If there's one thing that my sister doesn't have it is responsibility. How could she just expect us to think she was ok. She was at her boyfriend's house watching a movie. When she finally came home, her idiot boyfriend parked his LOUD car in the cauldesac which is right behind my headboard. He sat there for like 5 minutes before my sister even came into the house. My head was pounding and spinning. I've never been so upset and full of bad emotions. I just wanted to go drop a wrecking ball right on his car. I yelled at her and then I went to sleep.

-Today was awkward. I spent the morning in my bed prentending to sleep so I wouldn't have to hear about the stupid date or talk to any members of my family. I finally got up, my mom started to get angry at me because I was "ruining her Thanksgiving". I told her why and she was still angry but understood. I didn't really talk to my sister the entire day. She's only here until Sunday so I guess I should make the most of the time I have with her, but I can't. She just doesn't seem like my sister anymore. She is away at college now having boyfriends and according to her swearing like a sailor. I feel like I'm trapped in some sort of vortex where I don't change. I like when things stay the same. I feel like the same person I was in high school. Maybe other people see differences, but I don't. I still feel like Emily the super-cautious, goody-two-shoes, loser, nerd that I always was. At this rate, I will never have a boyfriend.

a hug?...

So I officially LOVE the Office!

I don't have much time for tv what with school and all, but I always seem to make time for The Office. It's one of those shows that I've always wanted to watch because it's just my type of show, but never got the chance to. But now, with reruns on TBS and FOX, I've had more opportunities and I've found that it's just the most freaking hilarious show ever! It has really lifted my spirits over the past few weeks.

So I'm starting to feel a little better about everything. I'm not trying to jinx myself or anything. Heaven only knows whenever I start getting comfortable again, something awful happens. But my mood has improved. I'm praying that it stays that way for a while. Life isn't fair, and I've always known that, but it just feels horrible when you feel like the whole world is against you and nothing goes in your favor. I'm still sad of course, but I'm in the process of moving on with my life. Next Saturday is my grandpa's memorial service. We got it so that my sister will be home in time to go. My sister was really close to him. The news hit her harder than it hit me.

Today was a really weird day. I was scheduled to have 2 critiques at school today. I was sort of nervous about them, my watercolor critique in particular because 1) it was our first actual critique in the class, and 2) my piece kind of sucks and the instructor is a real stickler. He actually PAINTED on my piece yesterday! If there's one thing I can't stand about certain art instructors, it's when they paint or draw on your piece. It sort of makes it feel like it's not completely my work anymore. I know it's kind of silly and stupid to think like that because it's not like this was going to hang in a gallery. It's a still life of cow skull and a creepy stuffed monkey (set up by the instructor, NOT ME!) and it isn't and never was meant to be my best piece....but anyway, WOW I just noticed I'm going off on a tangent....

anyway, getting to the main point. Today, I was in my Life Drawing for Illustrators class (first class of the day) and we were having our critiques on our self-portrait projects (we had to draw ourselves as some recognizable character--I did me as the queen of hearts). It wasn't even 9:30 AM and we hadn't even finished talking about the third piece when Duncan (who is either an advisor or the dean, I can't remember his title) comes into the classroom and tells us that the school has no running water due to some electrical (or something) problem and that the school has to shut down for the rest of the day. WHAT? So everyone had to leave. It was so weird. If I had been at school near my house, I probably would have been happier, but considering I have a long commute, it was more of a pain in the neck. But on the bright side, I postponed both critiques for Monday. So I had to make numerous phonecalls to both parents telling them what happened and I was on the 10:30 AM train back to Crystal Lake. Supposedly school will be open on Monday, I'll make sure I check my email before that just in case.

At the moment, I would choose Ocean Eyes by Owl City. It's one of the few albums I can honestly listen to all the way through without skipping any songs. The lyrics are so beautiful and the melodies are catchy.

  

Well, my grandpa passed away on Thursday.

I found out right after getting home from school with a phone call from the nursing home where he had been living.

It really hit hard this time because 1) it was a bit sudden. I know that he's been really sick for a while now, but I thought he was headed in a good direction. and 2) I'm still mourning my friend who was killed in a car accident a few weeks ago. I was starting to accept it, but this just stirred it all up again. 

It's been really hard. It's like the 2nd double-whammy of death for me this year. Back in April, my great-grandma died, then 2 weeks later, I found out that my grandma also passed away. Now My friend dies, then my grandpa 2 weeks later.

I don't think I can cry anymore. Thursday night, after I found out, I basically spilled the beans to my mom about my friend and she was shocked. I have never cried so much in my life. This has just been an absolutely miserable year, and I know things can always get worse, but I'm pretty low right now.

Paulie Bleeker from Juno because he is adorable...need I say more?! Oh heck, anyone played by Michael Cera is adorable. I love that boy!














finally not an upsetting post!!!

It feels like all I type about in here is sad, horrible stuff. I hate to say it, but there's more...

I found out Tuesday night that one of my good friends from school passed away. She was in a car accident. It was the first time I found out about a death via Facebook. I was in such a state of shock that I couldn't stop shaking. It's just hard. She wasn't a friend I knew for a long time, but I just met her last year. We had intermediate life drawing together and I thought we were a lot alike. I actually learned a lot just sitting next to her in class, looking over at her drawing board. I feel like she left a little piece of herself in my artwork. This summer, she decided to not attend the Academy and to pursue a career in child psychology at NIU. The last day of school last semester was the last time I ever saw her. I'm upset that I didn't get to know her more and I'm still in shock that she's gone. She was so funny and we would hang out in the painting room sometimes when we both had breaks and just talk about random stuff. I missed her before when she decided to transfer to another school, and I miss her even more now that I know that I will never see her again. She was a great friend and I will never forget her.

My grandpa is still not doing well, but he is still hanging in there. He is moved into a nursing home now - the same nursing home that my grandma was in during her last days back in May. My sister, who is at college and hasn't seen my grandpa in months, called him up at the nursing home the other day because she was worried and wanted to talk to him. When he answered, he was so out of it he just mumbled a few things into the phone, said goodbye and hung up. My sister then skyped my parents and was crying because he had made her so worried and upset. 

I am hoping for things to start looking up. I hate being like this, all depressed and sad. I'm not that type of person. I'm hoping for the holidays to come and go and be as wonderful as they've ever been. I want to see my sister because I miss her so much! I want to just have a week, at least where I can stop worrying and crying, and hiding in my room with the lights turned off and just LIVE! I want to be happy and I want to be free of this dark cloud that has been following me around for weeks. 

...yes it goes on an on, my friends...

- My grandpa is still alive, but he's not in great health. He's still at the hospital. He has been kicked out of his apartment at the assisted living place because he can't go back there anyway. He can't walk and apparently he wants to get a pace maker now for his heart. I honestly, don't think he can handle another surgery. But everyone says that putting in a pace-maker is just minor surgery. I have my doubts, but I have the right to be pessimistic. I mean, simple knee surgery is how this whole ordeal got started. Oh, and did I mention that we're the one's paying for his pace maker. He has no money, so somehow it got dumped on us.

- We're getting new windows on Wednesday. That's costing us thousands of dollars as well.

-And just this evening when I was going to make my microwavable dinner because I get home so damn late because my class doesn't get out til 5:15, the Microwave decided to just die. So now, we have to buy a new microwave.

I'm so freaking angry about so many things right now. It probably makes no sense to anyone else why, but seriously FML!!!

Now my grandpa is in the hospital.

He's basically at death's door.

He had a knee surgery last month. Since he was on a lot of medication for the pain, including blood-thinners for some reason, he had some horrible reaction to it all, and collapsed one day while my aunt was visiting him at his apartment at the assisted living place. He was rushed to the hospital and has been there ever since. And he now has problems with his heart (apparently his heart is only working at 10%...and he already has a bad heart from 2 heart attacks during his lifetime, as well as a pig valve that was put in during a heart surgery he had years ago) plus, I just found out today that he has MRSA which my mom says is some sort of flesh-eating disease! WTF?! How could this all have happened just from his knee surgery?!

This has just been the year of death for me. I know my grandpa probably won't live much longer. I'm just having a horrible week!

I got off the train this evening, and got in the car and the first thing my dad tells me is that my grandma and great grandma were in a car accident down in Missouri where they live.

My grandma was driving my great grandma home from the hair salon, when some lady who had no idea what she was doing ran a red light and smashed into the front of my grandma's car, completely taking it off! THANKFULLY, niether my grandma or great grandma were harmed! Both had to go to the hospital to check for any internal damage, but both are completely fine.

This could have been a lot worse, so I'm SO thankful they are ok. The car, is totaled, though.

And yet another reason why I'm afraid to drive. There are plenty of idiots on the road.

I always go back and forth about what I would like to do with my life. When I first started to become interested in art, it was a cartoonist. When I was five, I thought it would be the most amazing job ever to work for Disney and draw The Little Mermaid all day. A few years later, when my drawing skills developed, and I started becoming interested in people wearing different outfits, my grandma suggested I consider fashion design. That dream really took off and was with me for quite some time until I realized that I HATED sewing, and I know once you become a big time fashion designer, you have other people do the sewing for you, but I knew that I'd have to sew at some point. Then late in high school, I dabbled in creative writing a little and writing for my school's newspaper, hoping to someday be a journalist or writer. After high school, I was jet-set on being a graphic designer (like my dad)...and now I'm on my path for the rest of my life. I'm majoring in Illustration, so my job will be somewhere in there. Whether or not it's my dream job is still kind of iffy. I love to photograph nature and I often picture myself living up in the mountains or somewhere with a gorgeous landscape taking photos of nature. If I could just surround myself with beauty, that'd be great. But in a way, that's what I already do. I'm an artist, I draw what I see as beautiful, sometimes what I see as not beautiful. In a way, I'm already living my dream of just getting to go out and take pictures of whatever whenever. Getting to draw whatever pops into my mind. I may not be getting paid for it, but a dream job is something you should do for free anyway.

It just kind of occured to me that I haven't really mentioned school or anything on here since I went back at the beginning of this month.

This year, I think I'm starting to break out of my shell a little bit more, probably because I'm more comfortable in the environment because it's my second year there.

I like all of my instructors. Of course, they haven't had many chances to upset me or make me not like them yet...The semester is young. My classes are going well too. Life Drawing for Illustrators is a lot more fun than just normal life drawing because we do these things called dictates where the instructor will tell us to draw a person doing something and we just draw it, without looking at photo references or anything, and we only have 15 minutes. Mine are definitely getting better. On Thursdays, we draw while looking at a model, though which is not as fun. I actually didn't want to take another life drawing class because I get so bored just sitting there on those awful bench thingies drawing, staring at the model. In this class, I mostly get to sit in a chair and draw at a desk.

Quantitative Literacy (aka Math) is an ok class. And yes, that is probably the only time you'll ever see or hear "math" and "ok class" coming from me. The teacher is very easy going. I wouldn't go so far as to call this a blow-off class. But, we have 10 homework assignments the entire semester, we usually get out early, and we can use a calculator to do everything. Wednesday, which was our first lecture day, we learned about the order of operations. YES, I REMEMBER HOW TO DO IT!

Watercolor is fun, but also challenging. Leave it to me to find one of the most complicated ways to paint so beautiful that I want to try it. Watercolor is not very forgiving, if you mess up, you have little chance to fix it. But so far, the instructor has been understanding. I heard that he is very tough on people in critiques. He could probably point out the problems in a Monet painting. But I'm experienced with critiques, I try not to let the harsh criticism get to me and try to focus on what I need to take from the critisism. That's how you get better, though experience. Sometimes trial and error. I just finished painting a drape yesterday...it looks ok...if you squint at it.

And yesterday it really started sinking in that I miss a lot of my friends. I just miss seeing them and talking to them. I have a few friends at school, but all of them are strange in some way...like they all go out and drink, or they smoke pot in a alley around the corner. I miss the Summer. I wish it would come back!
 

I'd probably prefer to stay home, and that is what I did this labor day weekend.

But if I were going somewhere not too far away, like somewhere in Wisconsin, or to Woodfield to go shopping, then I wouldn't mind a roadtrip. Long roadtrips where I would get back like really close to the time I have to go back to school/work are not really my thing. I like to have time to adjust back into my school/work state of mind and I like having plenty of time to unpack. It seems too rushed otherwise.

But I definitely do enjoy just chilling at home, watching some tv, checking my facebook, drawing. I'm a real homebody at heart.